ADVICE WARS
Have you read Ann Landers lately? Year, right! Ever wonder what makes her qualified to tell people how to handle their lives? I mean what has Ann Landers ever achieved in life besides getting rich from handing out sucky advice. Half the time she doesn’t know what to tell people so she says, “You really need to seek counseling for your problem”. Yeah, what she’s really saying is: Just get a prescription for Valium. You’ll be so zoned out you won’t even remember what your problem is!
Now, personally, when I face some problem or moral dilemma I just ask myself “What would Attila the Hun do?” That usually puts me on the right track.
Now you may laugh, but who would you rather listen to? Some mamby pamby armchair “authority” or someone with a proven record as a conqueror? Yeah sure, Atilla stepped on a few toes on his way to the top but these days that’s called “ambition”.
Put it this way. If you were fighting for your life in the trenches who would you rather have by your side? Attila The Hun or Ann Landers? But let’s let Atilla and Ann battle it out. You decide who wins the Advice War.
Dear Ann,
I have been dating my girlfriend for six months. We are deeply in love. She is going away to college this fall. The school is two hours from our hometown. We had a talk about what we are going to do when school begins. She wants to break up because we won’t see each other as often. I believe we can work it out. How can I convince her that we should remain a couple? I feel we are meant for each other.
Heartbroken in Hawthorne.
Ann answers:
Dear Heartbroken: If you want to keep the lines of communication open with your girlfriend, do not pressure her into an exclusive relationship when she goes off to college. She wants the entire “college experience” to meet new people and not feel tied down. It is a healthy attitude—for both of you.
While she’s gone, think of new ways to broaden your life. This should be a period of exciting growth for both of you.
Attila answers:
Hey Heartbroken, wake up and smell the coffee! She’s dumping you. Stop your whining and be a man. Go out and find some other chick—they’re a dime a dozen.
Dear Ann,
I am a 30 year old woman who has been married for four years. Can you give me a good description of intimacy and some suggestions on fostering and achieving intimacy in a marriage?
So Near, Yet So Far
Ann answers:
Dear So Near, It sounds like you are wanting to find the words that will help you explain to your partner what you feel is missing in your relationship. Intimacy is often hard for a woman to explain to a man because she feels intimacy in a different way. For a woman, intimacy is having a caring partner who can see into the person she truly is and share that vision with her.
Atilla answers:
Yeah, intimacy that means doing it anytime any place anyhow he wants it. Foster it by always keeping the fridge full of ice cold Viking Ale!
Now honestly, which advice is solid, honest and down to earth? And which advice sucks? You decide!